Dear Carrying Too Much,
Updated: 3 days ago
Dear Norm,
My family has a stated belief that being gay = going to hell. It's not spoken often, but it is always an undercurrent for me. It has made it difficult to have any kind of relationship with them, and in more recent years I've intentionally stepped away from interacting.
The heartbreaking part is that my 96-year-old mom has dementia, and my brother, sister, and I work together to support her. It's fine, but frustrating! It is an obligation, and I handle the financial and paperwork needs so my brother isn't stuck with it. (It's my sister that is the "go to hell" believer.)
The guilt and frustration is getting heavy. What should I do?
Signed, Carrying Too Much
Dear Carrying Too Much,
I think many people reading your letter will recognize themselves.
Not because their family believes exactly what yours believes.
But because they know what it's like to be loved... with an asterisk.
It's a peculiar kind of heartbreak.
No one is yelling.
No one is throwing you out of the house.
But underneath every family gathering is the quiet knowledge that if they could change one thing about you, they would.
That kind of love can leave bruises no one else sees.
Now your mother's dementia has brought you and your siblings back together, and suddenly you're carrying more than paperwork and financial decisions.
You're carrying old wounds into new responsibilities.
First, I want to tell you something I hope sinks in.
Caring for your mother does not require repairing your relationship with your sister.
Those are two separate acts of love.
One is for your mother.
The other would require your sister to meet you halfway, and you can't control that.
So don't confuse cooperation with reconciliation.
It's perfectly okay if your relationship with your sister is cordial, respectful, and centered only on your mother's care. Not every family relationship has to be close to be healthy.
You also described helping your brother by taking on the financial and legal responsibilities.
I hope you recognize what that says about you.
Despite years of feeling judged, you still stepped forward when your family needed someone.
That's not weakness.
That's character.
But character has limits.
Don't let your kindness become permission for everyone else to lean on you without asking how you're doing. If the weight is becoming too much, say so. Ask your siblings to share more of the responsibility. Caring for your mother should be a family effort, not a quiet burden you carry because you're the dependable one.
Finally, I want to leave you with this.
Your sister's beliefs are her responsibility.
Your mother's care is your responsibility.
Those are not the same thing.
Don't spend so much energy trying to earn acceptance from someone who has already decided the terms.
Instead, spend that energy becoming the kind of daughter, sibling, and person you can be proud of when you look in the mirror.
Because in the end, peace rarely comes from changing someone else's heart.
More often, it comes from refusing to let someone else's beliefs harden your own.
There's always a place for you on the porch.
Who gets to decide what's normal, anyway?
Life has a way of asking questions with no easy answers. Dear Norm is where we talk about them. "Norm" is short for normal because, around here, we believe normal isn't something you fit into; it's something you define for yourself. If you're wrestling with love, family, identity, faith, friendship, or anything in between, we'd love to hear from you. Submit your question, and let's start the conversation.
A Little Note Before You Write
Dear Norm is a place for honest questions, thoughtful perspectives, and conversations that matter. While we believe sharing experiences and offering advice has real value, Norm's responses are meant to provide perspective, not professional counseling or guidance.
Letters submitted to Dear Norm may be edited for length, clarity, and readability. We may also change names and identifying details to protect privacy. We will not select all submissions for publication.
The advice shared in this column reflects personal perspectives and should not replace professional mental health, medical, legal, or financial guidance.
If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional distress or thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 for free, confidential support, available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you're in immediate danger, call 911.
Because sometimes the most important advice is knowing when to ask for a little more help.
Comments